


The Things You Hear

by Draconic



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, Graphic Description, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Humor, Other, Servant shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 18:45:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13277649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draconic/pseuds/Draconic
Summary: Chaldea HQ was an ever-expanding building, so it was only natural that people's rooms might shift around when new Servants were summoned. Mashu just wondered why she had to be directly beneath Medb of all people! Rated M for mild sexual content, but nothing explicit.





	The Things You Hear

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, reader, to what I generally consider to be my best work.
> 
> There is no deep meaning to this fic. It is completely irreverent, though the characters do remain in-character. The reason I consider it my best is because It's been over a year since I posted it on Beast's Lair, and I still find it funny. Anyway, I won't waste any more of your time, let's move right along to the main attraction:

Medb was a nymphomaniac. Mashu knew that, and she has some sympathy for her disorder. However, she was a guardian by nature, and as an insatiable Irish sex queen, Medb had an unfortunate habit of climbing onto people who didn't really want her there, which tended to give Mashu impromptu jobs that tended to be rather difficult. The Rider wasn't a pushover.

She remembered several days when she had been forced to prevent Medb from raping all four incarnations of Cú Chulainn in immediate succession. It became a routine. She stopped her once, she just moved on to the next. Granted, Cú Alter had no opinion one way or the other, but nevertheless… and of course, though Cú Chulainn was her favorite, Medb wasn't picky. Hell, she was liable to jam anything in that would fit inside of her.

Mashu didn't like Medb.

Fortunately, three of the Hounds of Ulster had taken to carrying stale cheese around with them. Whipping that out was generally enough to get Medb to put her clothes back on, but that didn't lessen the temptation to get a glue gun—or an acetylene torch—and permanently graft her armor to her body in all the sensitive places. In fact, the only thing stopping her from doing so was the thought that Chaldea's resident nymphomaniac might very well kill herself if she went through with it.

As Chaldea expanded on its own, the placement of new bedrooms tended to be fairly random, so it was only natural that during the earlier stages of the war, there was a month during which Medb's room was directly above Mashu's. That was a dark time.  
Not only did Medb really like to ride hard, she was also a real screamer. Her only solace from the perpetual thumping and howls of pleasure were the occasional cries of "Get off me you crazy lady!" and the subsequent yelp as the Rider was thrown to the floor. Other, similar complaints she occasionally heard were, "Quit touching me!" "I hate you, Medb!" and, Mashu's personal favorite: "ACK! Where the hell am I?!"

There were two nights that she had thoroughly enjoyed however. Well, one of them at least. The other was actually a bit scary, but nevertheless had an acceptable result. The first was the time with Robin Hood…

 

* * *

 

Mashu hid her head under her pillow, as had become the norm over the past week. She prayed that sleep would come to her before Medb—

She heard a heavy thump as Medb presumably dived on top of her latest catch(es), shaking her bed with a great deal of force. No such luck.

Mashu groaned. One day, she would breed a pair of rhinos, record the sound they made while the male mounted the female, loop it, and hide it somewhere in Medb's room, set to play all night every night. This she swore. Swore in the name of two passionately copulating rhinoceroses."

Then, something unexpected happened.

"Where—how did I get here?—WHAT THE— _HOLY SHIT!_ I SAID _NO_ , MEDB! What is your _problem?!_ Were you dropped on your head as a child?!"

It was Robin Hood's voice, Mashu was sure of it.

"You have, like, five seconds to give me one _phenomenally_ good reason why I'm in your bed, and mostly undressed right now!"

"Why, to take you on a ride you'll never forget," Medb answered in as sultry a tone as she could manage. Which was very sultry.

"So, sex?"

"Naturally."

"Bad reason, try again, you have two seconds this time," he responded, not pausing between sentences.

Mashu was now fully invested and listening carefully. He actually had Mashu at 'I said no,' but this was when she made the conscious decision to listen. And Medb couldn't answer before her irate victim continued ranting.

"Seriously, you are certifiably batshit crazy! Did you drug me and drag me all the way to your room?!"

"Why, of course not!"

"Then why do I feel bruising all across my right side? _Just wondering_."

There was no answer.

"Yeah. That's what I thought. Seriously, who _does_ this sort of thing? Oh, that's right, rapists and poachers. There's no world outside this building, we're the only ones with the power to fix everything, but you only care about who's cock you're going to ride next, whether they want you to or not and _oh, dear God_ , why is there a horse in the room?! Actually, please don't answer that. I'm sure I already know—I would give anything to forget—and I can already tell that this poor animal is going to need years of psychotherapy."

Mashu was trying to keep herself from giggling, because she knew that if she started, she wouldn't be able to stop, and then she'd be liable to miss something good.

"Oh, no, don't you even try. Your puppy dog eyes won't work on me, though they might work on some people, and I'll admit, you've worked those down to an art form. Credit where it's due, I'm pretty impressed. The tears in the corner of your eyes are a nice touch."

"Aww, you're so sweet!"

"Yeah, you just proved that the tears were fake. If you can't stay in-character, you probably shouldn't try to do it when it really matters."

He almost sounded like he had calmed down. Mashu was mortified to find that she almost felt disappointed. But then…

"Does this mean you're not mad anymore?"

" _Not mad?!_ Are you  _insane?! I'M SO FAR BEYOND FURIOUS THAT THEY'RE GONNA NEED TO ADD WORDS TO THE DICTIONARY!_ Wait, about the insane thing, don't answer that either; you clearly are insane, I don't need you to confirm it for me.

"Why in the world would I forgive you for this?! My head is still spinning and I can't remember what was going on immediately before this, but I can safely assume you spiked something I was drinking, then you dragged me back your lair, _undressed me_ , and _TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH MY UNCONSCIOUS BODY!_ Who in their right mind would _ever_ forgive you for that, forget in under ten minutes, you sex-crazed lunatic!

"Also, for the record, just because I can appreciate something doesn't mean I like it. I can't stand people who put up a front. And you, lassie, put up a big one."

He paused.

"Wait a sec… Where the hell are my clothes?!"

"Oh, I left them in your room."

There was silence for almost a minute and Mashu could picture a mostly naked Green Archer, his head bowed, fists clenched, and the air around him wavering from the sheer heat of his frustration.

"Get them."

A thump, he'd probably stood up.

"EEK!"

Get my tunic, cape and most importantly my breaches—pretend to forget those and I'll murder you—or else I fire my Noble Phantasm right here and we both die."

Now Mashu had an image of a mostly naked Green Archer wearing specifically only a pair of forest-print boxers and his Yew Bow. She idly decided that the Archer in her head still wasn't as sexy with his clothes off as Ritsuka was with his clothes still on.

There was silence for a few moments aside from some thumping as Medb scampered from the room, presumably to get his clothes, but Mashu predicted there was a fair chance that she would just fetch something that might help her continue trying to sleep with Robin Hood. He suddenly stomped twice, and Mashu jumped.

"Hey, whoever's below me, I'm really sorry about the noise."

Mashu debated with herself whether or not to answer at all, and settled on doing so.

"It's fine! This is a lot better than the last seven nights, to be perfectly honest! Is there really a horse in her room?!"

"First of all, oh my God, you have my deepest sympathies. If there's anything I can do for you, anything at all—"

"Switch rooms with me?" she asked, barely daring to hope.

"Anything but that. Second, yes, there really is a horse in here, and its purpose here is horrifyingly obvious. Last, can you do me a favor? I need you to be fast though. Before the pink-haired monster comes back."

"Uh, name it, I guess."

He told her what he needed her to fetch for him, and Mashu thought it might have been the best idea she'd heard since Medb's room positioned itself above hers.

When she was done, she returned to her room and prepared to have a decent night's rest for a change.

…Right after she heard the payoff of her little errand.

"Oh, good, you actually got them," she heard Robin Hood say.

"What do you take me for?"

"A dangerous nymphomaniac who needs to be subjected to violent psychological punishment."

"Well that's a mean thing to say!"

"Yeah, because you're one to talk. You're only a rapist."

There were some shuffling sounds.

"Okay, nothing appears to have any sort of weird traps. So I regret to say that I appreciate your help."

There were some more shuffling noises as he put his clothes on, and then…

"Well, it's been terrible. Now step away from the door."

A beat.

"You aren't going to let me leave, are you?"

Medb giggled with false innocence, completely unaware of what awaited her.

"Yeah, I didn't think so. Fortunately, I prepared for this. Now, BACK! Back, you foul temptress!"

There was a shriek and a thud as Medb scrambled backward into the wall.

"What are you doing! Get that away from me, you bastard!"

"I like this change of heart that's come over you, keep moving, or I touch you with it."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Lady, it's a wedge of Swiss cheese. I'd dare any day of the week."

"You don't mean that."

"Why the hell wouldn't I? Once again, it's just a cheese wedge."

"Oh really?! _Just_ a wedge of cheese? _Do you even hear yourself?!_ "

"You clearly don't appreciate how much I enjoy the the sound of my own voice," the Green Man chuckled at his own joke.

"Do you have any _idea_ how dangerous that monstrosity is?!"

"Dantheruth? It'th delithouth!" he said. Had he taken a bite of it? He was wasting his only defense! "Kinda waxy, maybe not as fresh as it could be, but nevertheless, great snack food. Here, try some! _I insist!_ "

For someone offering a snack to an acquaintance, he managed to sound incredibly menacing. Almost like that [strange song about cake](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJET26lsl8I) Mashu had heard the other day.

There was another shriek and another thump.

"If you don't want the cheese to touch you, just step away from the door."

Medb made a weird, and rather prolonged squealing noise from the back of her throat, and then…

"There we go, was that really so difficult?"

Medb just growled.

"Fine, suit yourself. Go ahead and sulk. I don't give a damn. I'll see you, hopefully, not any time soon."

There were a few moments of silence then suddenly there was a positively bloodcurdling scream from above her and Mashu grinned widely. The Irish queen had presumably pulled back the covers of her bed and found all the cheese that Mashu and Archer had spread across her mattress. The screech trailed off and there was a heavy thud from above her.

Did Medb just squeal until she passed out? Maybe she had brought too much cheese?

Nah. It served her right.

Mashu frowned. That wasn't like her at all. She was better than this. It was probably the lack of sleep talking.

There was a knock at her door and Robin Hood opened it up a crack and stuck his head through the narrow gap between the door and the frame.

"Wow, I never realized how incomplete my life felt before saying that thing about foul temptresses, but it feels like I've fulfilled an integral part of every man's existence upon being faced with a persistent harlot. Thank you, Mashu, your assistance was greatly appreciated."

"Umm, I didn't really do very much, but you're welcome. Goodnight."

"'Night. I'll see you on our next assignment together, I guess."

He closed the door and Mashu smiled.

She got under the covers, hugged her spare pillow and prepared to get a good night's rest for the first time in a week.

 

* * *

 

There was also one other time:

Things got a lot more complicated this time. She hadn't even realized anything was even happening until she heard a humming noise that she typically associated with a certain king's noble phantasm. Then Medb squealed, and there was a heavy thud.

"A common harlot, I see."

Mash nearly choked on her own tongue.

"I'm not entirely certain of how I arrived in this predicament. Woman, what exactly are you intentions here?"

It couldn't be. It just wasn't possible.

"I—"

Even Medb couldn't be _that_ stupid. Right?

"Silence! I was not asking you a question, you grotesque creature; I was considering what I already know, based on the evidence which I have plainly gathered from having the dubious pleasure of working with you... Mongrel."

Not stupid enough to try and drug the King of Heroes and sleep with him before he awoke from his stupor. Or not? Mashu could hear pained grunting from above her and assumed that Gilgamesh had pinned her to her own wall like some sort of gory, oddly sexual butterfly.

"You're quite the impudent one. Do you think that being the queen of some hovel makes you worthy of my attention? You're no more than a vagrant!"

"But—"

—SLAM—

Medb shrieked. Mashu cringed. Though there was a part of her that was cheering for the King of Heroes.

_Rip that bitch a new hole, Gilgamesh!_

She smacked her hands over her mouth as though she has said the words out loud. She really needed more sleep. What if she accidentally said something like that in front of Senpai?! She'd die of shame, she just knew it!

"I really couldn't care less about what you had planned for me. A crime not yet committed is merely an idea, and I cannot find it within me to punish someone for having perverse intentions," he said magnanimously, "The problem is what you have already done!"

"Wait, but, I didn't— You didn't give me enough time to—" Medb stammered desperately. There was a kind of terror in her voice, a terror such as Mashu didn't even think could have existed within the shameless pink haired Rider.

"What you have done, Queen of Harlots, is as follows: You have laid hands on the King without his permission! The punishment for such a crime is execution, as I would hope you are aware. Now die, _mongrel!_ "

There was a sickening series of crunching noises followed by a horrific splat. Mashu shuddered.

"Think on what you have done here, Mongrel, and come to understand that what brought you here was the fault of no one but yourself. I do not look forward to seeing you again."

Mashu could heard the bed creak as the King of Heroes stood up, and there was a light padding along the floor. He hadn't asked for his clothes, and if the incident with Robin Hood was any indication, she undressed her victims in their rooms and left their clothes there. Of course, Gilgamesh could have just pulled some clothing out of his treasury, but she hadn't heard the familiar hum of the Gate.

Was he just going to walk all the way back to his room completely naked?!

Actually, when Mashu thought about it, yes, he definitely would do that. He wasn't ashamed of his body. In fact, he would probably show off everything in the middle of the entrance hall just as a gift to humanity. Those gifts were usually the type that she would return to the store, if the store wasn't guaranteed to shoot a bazillion impossibly shiny weapons at her.  
And while she had to agree that he was attractive, she didn't want to see what the junk of a man with that kind of egomania looked like. She'd heard what people said about huge balls.

There was a heavy crack, and something above her crumbled away and landed on the floor above her with a thud. The mostly dead queen whimpered.

She shuddered again. And then she smiled, because Medb's gruesome death, horrible though it must be, meant that she actually was going to get some sleep tonight!

"Whoever's below me…" Medb whined through the floor, "could I please call a barber? I think there are several…things that I can't possibly…live without that are dangerously close to disappearing!"

_I'll bet there are, you jerk. And hasn't someone told you that the term these days is 'Doctor?'_

Mashu couldn't deny that if she ignored Medb's plight, she be a rather lousy guardian. On the other hand, Medb had ruined an entire time of day for her. And on the third hand, if she had gotten a better night's sleep last night, wouldn't she have jumped to help out her comrade? And on the fourth hand, how many hands exactly did she think she had? She really hoped that she wasn't hallucinating into thinking that she was Shiva or Vishnu. That would get confusing. Though she wouldn't be surprised. After four days of only two hours of sleep each night, she was starting to see things.

Her mind _would_ go off on tangents due to lack of sleep after all. Wild tangents. She remembered staring at a grove of pine trees earlier in the day while spacing out, unable to think clearly; someone was saying something to her, and she was apparently asked a question and she had automatically responded by stammering the words, "Spikes? What?"

However, Saber Alter hadn't repeated herself and simply walked off in contemplation. She was still worried about what had been asked of her.

Oh well. She supposed she had no choice. They needed all hands available after all. Even Medb had her uses.

Mashu whimpered, but rolled out of her bed onto the floor.

"Okay, fine, but just to be clear, you do realize that you're asking a favor if the person you've been keeping awake almost every night for more than a month, right?"

There was a grunt of confusion from above her. Now she _really_ didn't want to help.

"Convince me," she groused up to her irritating roof neighbor, she felt around her end table in the dark to find her glasses, finally managing to catch them and place them on her face. She also pulled on a pair of sweatpants. She was _not_ going outside her room in just an oversized t-shirt and panties. "How bad is it?"

"I can see six pieces…and the horse is chewing on my favorite lock of hair."

 _The horse is still in her room?! Oh my god…_ She smacked her forehead. Also, if her body was in six pieces, how was she still talking? And why was she worried about her hair, of all things?!

"Okay, okay, I'll come up!"

"Bring morphine."

'Okay, sure, Medb,' she wanted to say, 'I just keep that in my dresser next to my shady ketamine stash and my _sex horse!_ '

Actually, who was even _making_ ketamine here, anyway?! Probably Gilles. She wouldn't put it past that child molester. Actually, it wasn't even that he was a child molester that made it likely, he was just a vile person in general. At least Jeanne Alter had him on a leash now. Sometimes literally.

She climbed up the stairs and hurried to Medb's room.

She needed a moment to brace herself for what she might find, aside from Medb's gory, zombie remains. She took a deep breath, opened the door and—

" _Wow_ , that is a _lot_ of blood!" she sputtered, seeing all the red on the floor. Then she looked up, and then she really cringed. There were things in here that just couldn't possibly be acceptable to put on display.

"Don't worry…it's not all blood," moaned Medb reassuringly.

If there were anything that could have made Mashu _more_ worried, she couldn't think of it. She didn't even want to ask.

"Oh…kay…?"

She lifted up the fallen secretion of wall and squealed.

Medb was indeed in seven pieces, her left arm had been severed completely, and her legs were both detached. Her right leg had been cut into two pieces. She was also missing an ear, which her horse was eyeing suspiciously. However, it was still busy chewing on a surprisingly large lock of hair. Sheesh, Gilgamesh was a _dick!_

Mashu idly wondered why she wasn't more disturbed. This was a scene straight out of Danté, after all.

"How bad do you think it looks…uh…who are you again? I tend not to pay as much attention to women."

"I'm Mashu Kyrielight," she sighed. "You know, Shielder?"

"Who?"

"The unique demi-Servant?" Mashu pushed.

"Mm mm…" Medb whimpered.

"The girl who isn't sure which heroic spirit she is?!" did she seriously not know who she was? She had saved her life not three days ago!

"Nnnnn… no, I don't remember you."

_Just leave her on the floor, Mashu! You're too good for her, and she doesn't deserve you, and oh god, why am I making it sound like I'm in a relationship with her?_

"So? How bad?"

"I've seen undead that looked healthier."

Medb growled, surprisingly spunky for a woman who couldn't move for all the pain she was in.

"Look, I'll go get Da Vinci," she huffed, "She, er…he? He-she, should have something to help."

"Please, morphine. You have no idea how painful this is."

Okay, Mashu couldn't argue with that.

Upon arriving at Da Vinci's room, Mashu was surprised to see shecwasnt there. Instead, Doctor Roman now sat on the edge of the star-pattern bed, watching something on his computer.

"I am so glad I torrented all these shows _before_ the world disappeared," he said to himself, not yet aware that Mashu was right behind him. She looked over his shoulder at the computer screen. He was watching magical girl anime. While she wasn't expecting it however, whe had to admit that it wasn't actually that surprising. She cleared her throat.

"YYYEEEERP!" Romani squealed, slamming the laptop closed, his face looking like he was attempting to impersonate a raspberry. "Mashu what a surprise you're up awfully late it's two o'clock in the morning you're not sick are you is everything okay how can I help you _is that a duck?!_ " he pointed, attempting to escape from his percieved awkward situation and then tripping as he tried to run off somewhere else.

"I've already seen the anime, I'm not going to forget."

"If I hit you in the head at _exactly_ the right angle, you might. Incidentally, could you hold still? Just for a second?"

"No, thank you," she answered politely, swaying from side to side. Romani wilted, his secret guilty pleasure now out to yet another person.

Look, you wouldn't happen to know where Leonardo Da Vinci is would you?" she asked, getting straight to the point—she wanted to go back to bed after all.

"She, uh, requested to switch rooms with me for the night. Something about generating Quartz with the power of her subconscious mind and the color of my room being better suited to her purposes."

"I see," she said sleepily, "Thank you, Doctor Roman."

"Uh, you don't want to do that."

What?

"You aren't planning on waking her up, are you?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Like I said, you do _not_ want to do that."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Trust me," Doctor Roman emphasized, "It's a really bad idea."

"Why?"

He paused for a moment.

"Have you ever heard the sea shanty _What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor_?

"Um…no?"

"Oh, well, then this is going to go right over your head, but there's a verse that goes 'You've never seen the captain's daughter, you've never seen the captain's daughter, you've never seen the captain's daughter, early in the morning.' And it is _very_ early in the morning right now. If you get my drift."

"So, she'll be mad?"

"We won't live to see tomorrow."

Mashu sighed. She could walk away now. She had tried, and she failed. On the other hand, there was still another doctor on hand, and he was awake, and being awkward right in front of her.

"What did you need her for anyway?"

"Well, Medb was apparently a hot mess for the King of Heroes this evening."

"Oh my _God_ , I thought even _she_ couldn't be stupid enough to try that. I see where this is going: So after he woke up, he turned her into a…literal hot mess. Right?"

"Put politely."

Romani sighed.

"I guess it can't be helped. I'll have a look and see if I can do anything."

"Wait, Doctor Roman, you aren't actually a licensed doctor, right?"

"Um… no," he hung his head.

"Perfect," she said warmly, lightly clapping her hands together.

They hurried back to Medb's room and opened the door.

" _Wow_ , that is a _lot_ of blood!" he sputtered, looking at the floor.

"It's not all blood," Mashu and Medb said at the same time, their voices completely devoid of enthusiasm, though for completely different reasons.

Doctor Roman bent down, and dipped two fingers into the giant red puddle on the floor. He raised the very slightly viscous red fluid to his face, looking at it carefully. His eyes widened a moment, and he sniffed his two fingers. And then Madhu had needed to catch herself on the bed as he licked it off his hand.

"Doctor Roman!" she squealed.

"Oh, so it isn't. You want some? Mashu?"

"Blood-looking stuff?! No! Stop being a vampire! We have enough of those already!"

"What? It's just strawberry syrup. Which of course, begs the question; _why is she bleeding strawberry syrup?!_ " His eyes widened a moment. "Good Lord! Does this mean that if you're this much of a pervert, your blood turns into _strawberry sauce?_ I mean, it would make sense, in a strange way. Strawberry flavor is the pervert flavor, after all."

"I don't mean to interrupt your conversation, but I'm _dying_ here!"

"I think the King of Heroes just blasted a bunch of bottles of strawberry syrup with his noble phantasm," Mashu suggested.

"Oh," Doctor Roman said smartly. "I'm going to be honest, I'm a little disappointed, because that would have been hilarious, but also intensely relieved, because that means my blood was never strawberry flavored, even at my most polyg—" he cut himself off just in time.

Though perhaps not quite soon enough.

"Did someone say polygamy?!" yapped Tamamo, buirsting through the door, then looking down. " _Wow_ , that is a _lot_ of blood!" she said irreverently.

"It isn't all blood," Mashu, Medb and Romani said at the same time.

"Oh," she sniffed. "Strawberry syrup. I always thought perverts might bleed strawberry syrup, but I never felt the need to test it."

"You're a pervert too, though. Do _you_ bleed strawberry syrup?"

"I guess you've got a point. But you've distracted me long enough. Who said polygamy? Who's losing their junk? Was it you?" she stared at the good doctor, a baleful grin tugging at her lips. Somehow, even at her most terrifying, she still manages to be adorable, and Mashu and Doctor Roman both had to resist the urge to hug her.

"No, Tamamo-chan, I did not say the word you just mentioned. Now go back to bed, or Medb is probably going to die."

"Well, I _suppose_ that's probably a bad thing. G'night, and remember Medb, if you've got a heavily bleeding wound, put pressure on it. Hold it all in and never let go. Sort of like you're repressing dark fantasies." Tamamo blinked, her left ear twitched irately. "Okay, that sounded creepier than I meant for it to sound. Whoops. Good night!"

She scampered off back to her room.

"Actually, speaking of Medb dying, how are you even alive right now?"

"I dunno? I'm in a lot of pain, Doctor Roman, please tell me you brought morphine?" she whimpered.

"Erm. There's no morphine."

" _Why?!_ " wailed the queen.

Romani sighed.

"Look I'll do everything I can. You don't have to worry about anything.

"I'm serious though. The fact that you're even talking right now is enough of a miracle that you could consider it hard proof of God's existence. You can't possibly have survived all those swords. I mean your pelvis just…it doesn't exist. There's nothing left. It's gone."

This was apparently the wrong thing to say because Medb burst into tears. Actually, it was pretty understandable, what with specific pelvic orifaces being the source of all happiness in her life.

"Look, it'll be okay. I've prepared a machine for just this kind of eventuality."

"Sudden pelvis loss?" Mashu asked uncomfortably.

"No, Gilgamesh tantrums. Gather up her arms and legs, holy—" he ran over to the horse and slapped it in the head, making it drop Medb's missing ear, which he collected. This was not pleasant work.

"Why is there so much strawberry syrup in here?" Mashu wondered aloud.

"I had wanted to… spread it over him."

"You were going to slather the King of Heroes with strawberry syrup?" she groaned. "You _are_ insane."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time!"

The urge that Mashu felt to just start banging her head against the wall and never, ever stop was almost too much to resist.

"Medb…" she snarled, "I'm the one who put the cheese in your bed!"

" _YOU BITCH!_ " Medb howled.

"Okay, once we've put you back into one piece as you're meant to be, you're coming in for study. Mandatory attendance," said Doctor Roman, "There is clearly something special about you, because you are clearly fine, despite having these horrific injuries."

"Wait a minute, why is there a horse in here?" asked Romani.

Mashu grumped.

"You really don't want to know…"

Medb was out of commission for the following week as most of her internal organs and her entire pelvic region repaired themselves.

Medb was physically incapable of sexual intercourse for the next two weeks as well, and by that point, her room was above none other than Carmilla, who most certainly deserved the noise. But that was another story.

 

**Fin**

 

"So, will there be any side effects?" asked Retsuka, looking at the capsule Medb was regenerating inside.

Doctor Roman shrugged.

"Oh, no, no, none at all, just the usual mood swings, nausea, low fever. Oh right, she'll probably start growing grey feathers around her lower back but those should go away within a month."

"Why Gilgamesh? _Why do you do this to me?_ "

He felt something prick at his leg and he jumped. There at his feet was Fou. He seemed to be wearing a shawl made from a porcupine.

"Fou, fou!" said the fluffy creature, running over to Mashu.

"Hey, uh, Mashu, why is Fou wearing a porcupine? He's all spikey."

At the mention of the word 'spikey' Mashu's memory jogged something that she hadn't remembered since the moment after it was said.

_"Is their anything that the creature following you around might like? It occurs, to me that I neglected him this past Christmas."_

"Ohhh… that was _Santa_ Saber Alter…" she rested her head in her hands.

Well, Medb was in stasis, regenerating her body in such a way that by the time she finished, she'd probably have undergone an improvement, so there was no better time to take a nap.

"Come on, Fou, let's—ouch! Get this thing off you and go rest up for our next mission."

" _Fou!_ " The dog-like creature turned its nose away, as though to say, 'No, this is _my_ new hat and I _won't_ take it off!'

…

She really needed more sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This story idea started off as them getting to the Temple of Time several months too late, with Mashu dying in a hospital bed as her body breaks down, and Ritsuka, Roman, Da Vinci and Lancelot sitting with her as she passed.
> 
> I honestly have no idea how it got here. But while it's virtually the exact opposite of what I was aiming for, I personally don't dislike the result.
> 
> I originally just stopped with mostly!killing Medb, but a few good reviewers on Beast's Lair, where I post most of my new stuff, gave me some very sound advice and a frank opinion or two. I rewrote the entire second part on a phone while mostly asleep, between the hours of 1:00 and 5:00 AM. This story cannot thank them enough.
> 
> So the moral here is that I write best when I am almost entirely unconscious?


End file.
